Is this my PATH or my PATHOLOGY?

Over the past few months, I have been consciously striving towards living authentically.  Per my last blog post, I’ve been striving to break free from the “shoulds” that are the norms of society either imposed by society itself, or just me in my own mind.  I’ve been taking steps like listening to what I really feel and acting upon that rather than how I think I am supposed to act, opening up to friends and family with whatever bucket of crap is swirling within me (don’t get me wrong,  sometimes the swirling crap is a real good thing), and feeling comfortable with who and what I am - especially as my mind and body age (hoo wee, ain’t that a big o’ piece of humble pie).  Living is a social paradigm shift toward and I am definitely reaping the benefits of it.  My relationships with those close to me are richer because the interactions have greater substance than ever before; not just small talk and the typical “bro-versation trifecta” of 1) sports 2) career and 3) kids.  I can feel these relationships grow just by opening myself up and sharing what I think and feel without self-censorship.You know damn well you do it too.  I consciously welcome intimacy with both male and female friends . 

This has been my new mantra.  I am proud of it.  I am happier for it.  However, this is the question that came to me:

Is this drive to discover authentic living my path or my pathology? 

That is, is this journey my yellow-brick road or am I creating an itch I can’t scratch by searching for a utopia that cannot be fully attained in the “real world”?

Then comes all of the sub-bullets:

·         Does this new approach to life have a limit where it interferes with life itself?  Where it challenges social relationships rather than builds them? 

·         Do I need to scale back my new found idealistic point of view to be able to live peacefully in what most of us call “real world”?

·         Can I find satisfaction that I am living authentically and continue to live on “Wisteria Lane”, work in high-tech corporate America, and send my kids to school in plaid uniforms everyday? 

·         What is the breaking point where this covenant with myself goes too far? 

·         Will I be able to find that balance between idealism and realism? 

Most definitely, there is a line where it goes too far.  There is balance to maintain between living true and living in suburban America.  Even something as valuable and as enriching as living authentically has a point of going too far.  Buddha found his highest level of consciousness  by taking authenticity to unfathomable levels, but Buddha was  a social recluse and certainly didn’t have to pick up the kids at 2:30 or have a Monday morning 8:00 AM deliverable.   He found his utopia, but it was at the cost of all other relationships, passions and joys.  Booley for him that he found his enlightenment, however it carries a price tag that I am not willing to cover.

As with all components of life, there is a need to find harmony and balance.  Nearly all things deemed “bad” can be tolerated in moderation while nearly all things deemed “good” can be detrimental if overdone.  In as much value as I find in my epiphanies and the changes I am making pervasively to my approach to living, I hold equal value to honing in on that sweet spot where these changes bring maximum enrichment without sacrificing other blessings and values.

This path is a journey and I am still hacking blindly through it with a machete, so I recognize that I am not yet near the critical point where I have tipped the authenticity scale to injury.  Therefore I feel comfortable continuing to hack away at this path until the field becomes clearer and I determine where that tipping point is.   But knowing that the tipping point most likely exists will make me aware of the need to seek balance… and as my friend in the military says “knowing is half the battle”.

Aw man, I just got “shoulded” on

The word “should”… it has become a nemesis of mine.  Few words that are so seemingly benign have the ability to make suck away your power and instantly squash your flow of authenticity (there is that word again) as does the drop of the word “should”.  Sure, there are other more ostentatious and blatantly harmful words that “should” doesn’t hold a candle to (e.g. racial slurs, profanity as adjectives, yo’ momma jokes, and words like “stupid”) but “should” is a sneaky mo’ flicker that puts you in your place without you even realizing its effect. “Should” implies there is a right way that differs from what is right now;  that what I am doing now is insufficient, not the best path, not right.  The word “should” is not only limiting by setting parameters of what is the best way but is almost chastising and even demeaning.  The inclusion of the a “should” in a statement changes the tone and transforms the message from one  that presents alternative options to “your instinct is defunct so let me make the decisions for you”. I know, this seems like a lot of power and responsibility to hang on a single word, but I feel the word kind of deserves it.   It’s a “should”-talker.

We owe it to ourselves to trust in our own instinct and decision making skills by listening to what lies within us.  This is not to say that we instinctually hold all of the information within us and  that we can skate through life without valuable input from those who have greater knowledge or experience, but it is up to each of us to take all of that information into consideration and make the best decisions for ourselves.  Because no one knows what is best for you other than you (even if it does get  “need-to-change-my-shorts” scary)  if you are honest with yourself with good intentions and you truly listen.  It is all in there within you.  And who better than you have your own best interests in mind?

This diatribe sounds like it is instructing you to stand up against other who try to tell you what to you, but I believe the biggest culprits of “shouldload” dropping upon us is in fact ourselves.  Sure, friends, family, experts, bosses, even baristas-come-family therapists impart their opinions in terms of “should”, but we do the most of the “shouldding” in our lives.  How often do we change make up our minds because of an expectation we have of ourselves or, even worse, that we assume others have of us?  Not that they actually do, but we make a choice based upon what we think will impress others most.  

“I should visit my aunt”

“I should get to work early since my boss will be there early”

“I should not wear my favorite dress because the ‘she’ once said that I don’t look good in yellow”

“I should turn down my music in my car because I don’t want everyone to know that I like Justin Bieber”.

In fact, the whole notion of guilty pleasures is one giant “should” that we take on ourselves even though we project it on to others.  It is a shame need to hide those things that we truly enjoy but are secretly embarrassed to admit because of our worry of what others will think of us.  Reality TV junkie?  Angry Birds addict? Eat sticks of butter over the sink? Belt out Captain and Tennille every morning on your commute to your high-tech VP job?  Foot fetish?  Those things are neither wrong nor detrimental to anyone (especially you), yet we hide them because of the “shoulds” that we assume others place on us, even when we have no evidence that those opinions exist.   We project the image we want to portray onto the expectations of others.  So not only are we “shoulding” on ourselves, but we are making an unfounded assumption that friends, family and society are “shoulding” on us as well… without them even knowing it.  If only we could shed the “should” and live authentically – make decisions that are feel “right” to our core that represent what we truly are and truly feel, rather than based upon obligations we feel from others, limitations we place upon ourselves or, even worse, limitations that we  invent others place upon us.

Authenticity is my biggest keyword and removing the “should” is a major step in that direction.  I would love for all of us to take a stick and scrape the piles of “should” from the bottoms of our “should”-kickers that we pick up as we walk our path each day.  This is merely food for thought, not a mandate.  I lay this before you as an option for how we conduct our lives, not as an expectation… because who am I to “should” on you?

Stay tuned for part two of my diatribes on expectations about the feeling of things we HAVE to do… entitled  “Must-urbation”.   (insert rim-shot here)  …just for “shoulds and giggles” of course.  (yow, I’m on fire).

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

Malvina Reynolds wrote this as satirical commentary in the 60's to call out the atrocities of the "development of suburbia and associated conformist middle-class attitudes" [Wikipedia] ...and then luckily Weeds launched it into post-millennium pop culture so now the rest of us know about it too. On the surface, Malvina's point mirrors opinions of many of us; the mass produced cookie cutter homes and and equally cookie cutter lives of its inhabitants in our society is a shame and sucks the individuality and uniqueness that makes us all so damn interesting. We satirize it all of the time. Simpsons. Edward Scissorhands. American Beauty. It is equally mainstream to live in them as it is to find flaw in them.

Now, it would be very easy at this point for me to climb up on soapbox and claim that my conclusive point is to tout the "value of diversity" or dive into a sermon on "the richness of being unique and the perspective that brings to the world", but although those platforms are worthy, those conclusions are a bit trite and too easy.... plus that is not at all where I was going with this. 

"Now that you bring it up, where ARE you going with this, Jay?" (That was me doing you). Well, I in fact am going to refute Malvina's point a bit as I have learned that there is much value in the little boxes.  I think it is necessary to build little boxes around us that are often just the same in order to move toward the uniqueness and exploration of the callings within us that make us who we are. Whether by the iron fist of a parent, hard rules of an educational institution or job, or simply bysocietal norms, we need these imposed boundaries to give us the opportunity to check ourselves, test our own theories and discover opportunities to find our own paths. We can't elevate ourselves to the next level of growth, maturity and, dare I say "enlightenment" without a little body check against the boxes structured around us. 

Let's get a little less abstract and put this theory to test.  At the risk of offending some, let's go with "religion".  If this does happen to offend you, remember that I welcome your responses - even if they are equally offensive.

I believe there graduated stages of a person's journey of religious growth.  The most elementary phase is in our earliest childhood.  Most likely, if we have a religious foundation from childhood, it was created by the leadership of our parents who volun-told us to go to religious services (e.g. church, synagogue, temple, ashram, etc.) and explained to us what it is that "we" believe. E.g. "In our family, we believe that Jesus is the son of God."  Or, "In our family we believe that Jesus was NOT the messiah".  Or, "In our family we believe that if you touch your genitals for any reason other than cleaning them or peeing, then you will go blind". This is not a criticism of our parents, rather it is a necessity to give kids a foundation from which to grow. Each of these are boxes designed to give us a foundation, provide structure, and to some degree, contain us. They give us limitations and context from which we will build, in this case, our spiritual lives.  Only when we stay in these boxes indefinitely with neither questioning nor redefining beliefs of our own do these boxes become detrimental.  We then become trapped in defining our religion based upon what we have always been told... and therefore it isn't really a belief at all.  It is a mandate.

The value of the boxes is not the confinement of them, but rather the opportunity to bounce off of the walls, test their strength and then bounce harder against them until they eventually break.  That is when the true beauty of the boxes come into play.  Only when the box is broken do you have the fortunate opportunity to build a new one from the broken pieces.  You get to take what you knew as truth before with the discoveries of how the box broke and then you get to rebuild the box.  A bigger box.  A better box.  A more perfect box for you.  Maybe box of a different shape altogether. But those changes in the box are welcomed because they fit you better than ever before.  In this example, you can stretch your definition of religion, maybe even change it to a different religion that offers a community that more closely aligns with your new discoveries. This new box might feel a bit foreign and may even carry some pangs of guilt (especially if the old box was a Catholic box or a Jew box), but ultimately it feels good.  It feels right. It has room for you to stretch where you need it but it offers safety and definition that brings comfort and unity with like-minded peers, [whisper] even if those peers aren't your immediate family anymore.  The thing is, it is YOUR box to create as you see fit.  You really can't lose if you are open and true to what is inside of you. 

These boxes that we criticize in 60's folk music may seem like a shame if you consider those boxes to be the fullest extent of the development. However, if you consider these boxes we place ourselves in - and I'm not just talking religion, but career boxes, societal boxes, relationship boxes, behavioral boxes, social responsibility boxes - if you consider all of these boxes as a starting point and a foundation, and you realize these boxes are a path to growth and discovery of our authentic selves (authenticity is my new buzz word - be ready to hear it often), the boxes are no longer a shame, rather they are a blessing.  They provide a mechanism for bouncing and breaking and therefore rebuilding, which will lead to what is our own individual truths which is a fundamental key to living authentically.

And with that, all of the little boxes DON'T all look just the same anymore. 

Murphy Was an Asshole

Murphy's Law:  Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Well, eat my shorts, Mr. Murphy.  I beg to differ.  I currently find myself in the most challenging time of my life, hands down; curve balls, hurdles and roadside bombs have been lobbed in front of/on top of me over these past few months and I still challenge Murphy.  I have enough significant issues I am sorting through that my therapist says "are you sure your ok?"  However, amongst the things that "have gone wrong", I am constantly aware that there is much MUCH more still at stake.  Even with these crises and tribulations, I have an exorbitant number of blessings that are not "going wrong".

Murphy's laments are a disservice to the riches that surround us, the blessings that we may or may not take for granted every day.  Last week, my daughter who was in a fit of frustration following a scuffle with her sister, a disappointing response from me, and an earlier argument with her best friend bellowed "Argh!" (she literally said "Argh!"),  "Argh!" she said, "How could my life be any worse?"  I was inspired with a fatherly duty.  There is a lesson to be learned, my dear, and daddy's got his lesson plan.

I pulled her aside and challenged her to think about that cry of despair and try to answer that question.  Go ahead and feel the frustration you have (after all, the frustration is real), but also consider the blessings you have in your life (e.g. love, family, friends, food, opportunity, school, etc.) and then ask that question again. She promised me should and a few hours later showed me a list of about 50 blessings she considered in her life and said that there were many ways her life could be worse.  (woot - notify the academy).

Only in losing sight of those blessings does Murphy have a soapbox.  I challenge everyone to seek those blessings and revel in them.  I'm not saying that you have to not feel the pain associated with things that do go wrong - call them trials, perhaps failures - but in the following breath remember your blessings are still abound. Not honoring them transfers the power of these riches into the pockets of the bummers.

A wise armchair theologian named David said to me "No matter how bad things seem, I wake up in the morning and recognize all of the things that could have gone wrong yesterday and didn't".

Who, me?

Many times I have reached for the proverbial pen to begin writing and sharing my thoughts... regardless of whether or not I have an audience willing to listen.  However, for one reason or another I never quite had enough motivation to see it through.  That is, until now.  Hell hath no fury like a 30-something guy with an itch to type who is nipple deep in to a "rebuilding year".

I am not going to overly prescribe the flavor of this blog, because I honestly don't know what will pop up a various times and how it will strike me... and I am pretty comfortable about that.  My new mantra is to live in the present and take it one step at a time. I would be doing a disservice, to both you and to me, if I were to have this planned out too carefully.  Let it flow and welcome the exchange.  Whether it be blather or brilliance, it will be honest and soulful with (hopefully) a dash of wit and an oaky finish with undertones of profundity.  That is my promise... well, at least my intent.

Happy reading and please chime in when so inspired.