“How to Make the Most of Life” From Every-day Religion, 1886 By JamesFreeman Clarke

Reposted from www.artofmanliness.com 

Some persons make a great deal of life; others very little. To some it is intensely interesting; to others, very vapid. Some are tired of life before they have begun to live. They seem, as has been said, to have been born fatigued. Nothing interests them. This is a species of affectation with some persons to whom it seems a mark of genius to be weary of life. They think it argues an enormous experience and that they have exhausted everything. Wherever it is an affectation it is a very shallow one. Noble and manly natures seldom fall into this pit of satiety. They are full of hope and energy. To them life has inexhaustible charms. It is ever more rich, full, and varied. Each day dawns with new expectations, and closes with fresh hopes for to-morrow. And it is these living men who keep the rest of us alive. Whenever we meet them more sunshine comes into the day. Let us only share their enthusiasm, and we too cannot help making a great deal of life.

This…is the first rule for making the most of life: Forget yourself in some interest outside of yourself.

....
He who is turned inward, thinking of himself, admiring himself, complaining that he is ill-treated; he who thinks he ought to have more of the rewards of life—he is the one who does not begin to live. Life is born out of communion—communion with God, Nature, man. “We only live,” says the profound thinker, the philosopher Fichte—”we only live when we love!” How true that is! We must be interested in something in order to be alive, and no one can take a great deal of interest in himself. Looking in the glass is an unprofitable occupation. Socrates, indeed, taught, “Know thyself;” but the self-knowledge which he advised did not consist in minute self-inspection, but in testing thought and work by that which other men think and do. Socrates did not occupy himself with self-study, but went about the streets of Athens taking an interest in all that was thought, said, and done. He was interested in others—in the condition of the State, the progress of truth, the diet of the soul, the stimulus of goodness, the restraints on evil. How men could be made better and wiser—that was what engaged his whole thought, and this made his life one which has been the inspiration of mankind.

But, you may say, we cannot all be inspired apostles or great philosophers. No; but the motive, the principle which made their lives rich, we can have in ours. This principle is, to be interested in something good; to have an object, an aim, a purpose outside of ourselves.

In the great storms which have lately swept over the north Atlantic, a steamer from our shores discovered another, dismasted and rudderless, drifting before the gale, its decks swept by terrible seas. The sailors volunteered to man a boat, and go to save those on the wreck. The labor was appalling, the dangers frightful; but they succeeded, and saved the lives of their fellow-men. Which has made the noblest use of life, the self-indulgent epicurean, who amuses himself with a little art, a little literature, a little criticism and a little vapid social pleasure, or these rugged, brave hearts, who bade defiance to storm and sea, and brought salvation to those in despair? To forget yourself is the secret of life; to forget yourself in some worthy purpose outside of yourself.

The poor steamer foundered because it drifted; because its steering apparatus was lost. The man who has no aim higher than himself also drifts; he has nothing by which to steer, nothing toward which to direct his life. Do not drift, but steer; that is the second rule.

.…
These men, however, it may be said, were enthusiasts; they had enthusiasm for some pursuit, to which they devoted themselves. But most of us are of a more plain, common-sense, practical nature…

Then let us look at a man of another type, who certainly was not an enthusiast, yet who made more of his life, did more, learned more, than any man of his generation. I mean Benjamin Franklin. He was clear-headed and sagacious; but that is not the key to his remarkable career. I think the secret of his vast success was that he did everything as well as it could be done. He put his mind into his work. His motto might have been, “Whatever thy hand finds to do, do it with thy might.” He prized the present moment, and gave his whole thought to it. Most of us do a great many things mechanically, satisfied if we do as well as others, no worse than the majority, so as not to risk much loss or incur much blame.

The power of Franklin lay in this; that whatever his hand found to do, he did it with his might. He did not wait till tomorrow to do something, but did what his hand found to-day. It is surprising how little he had of what is called ambition. It seemed to make very little difference to him what he did, or where he was. He drifted to Philadelphia, but when there he did not drift, but steered. He took the first decent work which he could find, and did it with his might. The Governor of the Province proposed to him to go to London, promising to help him to buy a printing-press, that he might do the public printing. After Franklin had gone the Governor forgot his promise. But it made little difference to Franklin. Being in London, he went to work as a printer, and there he remained till some occasion sent him back again to this country. Prudent, economical, industrious, watchful, he could not help growing rich. But he does not seem to have cared much about that. What he wished was to find all the secrets of the work he was doing, finish it in the best way, and to teach others how to do things well. In his shop in Philadelphia, in a printing-office in London, ambassador at the court of Louis XVI., conversing with British statesmen and philosophers, he was the same—a wide-awake person, with his mind keenly fixed on the thing nearest him. He did not worry about possible future evils, nor torment himself about an irrevocable past. He put his whole soul into the present moment, the work just at hand. He gave as earnest thought to the methods of his society of young men in Philadelphia for study and discussion, as to a treaty with France or the formation of the American Constitution.

Each thing as it came, took his whole mind, heart, and strength. That was why he did so much. He lived, as has been said, in the whole. Most of us are very apt to live in the half. We put part of our mind into our present work; with the rest of our mind we are worrying about the past or the future, or imagining what other better things we might be doing. So we work in a half-and-half way. Do with your might what your hand finds to do; that is our third rule.

…
Ralph Waldo Emerson is another striking instance in our times of a man who made the most of life. He proved the truth of his own saying, “Let the single man plant himself on his instincts, and the huge world will come round to him.” He had two leading ideas, by which he lived, and which he taught to his age. One of them was “Self-reliance,” the other “God-reliance.” Trust in your own deep and permanent convictions, though the whole world insist that you are wrong. “Call a pop-gun a pop-gun, though the ancient and honorable declare it to be the crack of doom.” He believed in that which was highest, and did that which was nearest, following the suggestive lines of Wordsworth :—

“The primal duties shine aloft like stars;
The charities which soothe and bless and save,
Are scattered at the feet of man like flowers.”

Pursuing his own way quietly, trusting in the intuitions of his soul, saying his own words, not those of any one else, accepting the present moment with its immediate inspiration, and believing in an overhanging heaven and an infinite spiritual presence, Emerson did with his might what his hand found to do, and saw the great world come round to him. Trust in God and your own soul, is the fourth rule.

Failure is Not an Option... It is a Requirement

**This isn't new ground, but it has been at the tip of my keyboard for some time now. 

For most people, the time of failure is the most important time of testing in their lives. Margaret Thatcher once said that “Failure is not an option,” by which she meant to imply the inevitability of success, but the truth of the statement transcends even her own meaning: we do not willingly choose failure, but our moments of testing and maturity will be determined by how we choose to deal with the failures that are inevitable. We might say that where there is failure, there is life; and it is failure in life, as in science, that will help us to redefine what success is, and what success can be. 

- The Good Life (Peter Gomes)

Although certainly not the first to say it, Ed Harris brought this phrase into pop culture when he was demanding the best of mission control to bring home Tom, Kevin and Bill.  

"We have never lost an American in space and we sure as hell aren't going to lose one on my watch.  Failure is not an option" - Ed Harris (Apollo 13)

Hot diggity damn! Let's do it for Ed.- This is Ed's demand of success.  He calls to inspire and to impart the definition of option as: the power of choosing? How much more powerful does this phrase become? It isn't that failure is not an option because of Ed's insistence on success; that is, failure isn't one of the choices on the table so don't even consider it. Rather, failure isn't an option because failure is not something that we have the power to choose or, more so the power to NOT choose.  Truth be, failure is inevitable. It must happen.  It will happen.  And it is most powerful when embraced.

Not only is it inevitable, but it is truly a necessity and it is a requirement for growth. Be thankful for it as it is from failure that we create new pathways and expand our true options.  Failure builds the texture in our lives that make it rich. It is only through failure that we can truly define what success. 

Unfortunately, we have developed a stigma around success and failure that prohibits us from accepting this paradigm. In general, I don't believe it is a lack of acceptance of failure by others, as I have found that most people are accepting and compassionate to others when they fail to achieve their goals and overall they honor the effort and intent. However, the rub lies within ourselves with our own failures. We don't let ourselves off the hook that easily. When you fall short, miss the goal, overshoot the deadline, or have to decide to stop because success seems unlikely, do you genuinely (be honest now) swell with pride because you gave it your all?  Don't get me wrong, commitment and effort are qualities that we do commend, even within ourselves, however they don't bring glory. Those qualities usually serve to justify that we aren't complete failures - delineating the difference between not achieving a goal and a definition of our own character.

We aren't born with this fear of failure, we develop it over the years. It is a learned condition. Generally, young teenagers (especially boys) hardly know failure and therefore aren't afraid of it. They often have a sense of invincibility, which is why they do some ridiculously stupid shit sometimes, but they step up to do that really stupid shit because they aren't afraid of failing. But as we age and as we have more experiences with failure and the self-inflicted shame associated with failure, those failures define parameters within which we operate.  They become limits that stake out our realm of possibilities, or at the very least, teach us to operate with care when broaching them.

As with most struggles, overcoming the fear of failure comes down to perspective. Let's take this ideal of winning every time as the measure of success and let's put a spin on it.  Rather than equating failure = bad and winning = good, rather than falling into the trap of defining ourselves and worth by our most recent success, rather than each goal being the top of it's own podium, let's look at these challenges as defining stepping stones that shape a single story; a succession of experiences and lessons that let us grow and transform into a stronger versions of ourselves. The wins and the losses are equally rich in this single story and create lessons to draw upon for all of the other experiences to come. These swings in the pendulum of life's challenges broaden us and make it all so much richer.  Plus, it gives you great material for dinner parties.

When asked about all of his unsuccessful attempts at making a light bulb work, Thomas Edison replied, "I have not failed a thousand times.  I have successfully discovered one thousand ways to NOT make a  light bulb." 

So, go on... fail.  Put yourself out there and fail big. Accept that it will happen and embrace it.  You'll be a better person for it.

Aw man, I just got “shoulded” on

The word “should”… it has become a nemesis of mine.  Few words that are so seemingly benign have the ability to make suck away your power and instantly squash your flow of authenticity (there is that word again) as does the drop of the word “should”.  Sure, there are other more ostentatious and blatantly harmful words that “should” doesn’t hold a candle to (e.g. racial slurs, profanity as adjectives, yo’ momma jokes, and words like “stupid”) but “should” is a sneaky mo’ flicker that puts you in your place without you even realizing its effect. “Should” implies there is a right way that differs from what is right now;  that what I am doing now is insufficient, not the best path, not right.  The word “should” is not only limiting by setting parameters of what is the best way but is almost chastising and even demeaning.  The inclusion of the a “should” in a statement changes the tone and transforms the message from one  that presents alternative options to “your instinct is defunct so let me make the decisions for you”. I know, this seems like a lot of power and responsibility to hang on a single word, but I feel the word kind of deserves it.   It’s a “should”-talker.

We owe it to ourselves to trust in our own instinct and decision making skills by listening to what lies within us.  This is not to say that we instinctually hold all of the information within us and  that we can skate through life without valuable input from those who have greater knowledge or experience, but it is up to each of us to take all of that information into consideration and make the best decisions for ourselves.  Because no one knows what is best for you other than you (even if it does get  “need-to-change-my-shorts” scary)  if you are honest with yourself with good intentions and you truly listen.  It is all in there within you.  And who better than you have your own best interests in mind?

This diatribe sounds like it is instructing you to stand up against other who try to tell you what to you, but I believe the biggest culprits of “shouldload” dropping upon us is in fact ourselves.  Sure, friends, family, experts, bosses, even baristas-come-family therapists impart their opinions in terms of “should”, but we do the most of the “shouldding” in our lives.  How often do we change make up our minds because of an expectation we have of ourselves or, even worse, that we assume others have of us?  Not that they actually do, but we make a choice based upon what we think will impress others most.  

“I should visit my aunt”

“I should get to work early since my boss will be there early”

“I should not wear my favorite dress because the ‘she’ once said that I don’t look good in yellow”

“I should turn down my music in my car because I don’t want everyone to know that I like Justin Bieber”.

In fact, the whole notion of guilty pleasures is one giant “should” that we take on ourselves even though we project it on to others.  It is a shame need to hide those things that we truly enjoy but are secretly embarrassed to admit because of our worry of what others will think of us.  Reality TV junkie?  Angry Birds addict? Eat sticks of butter over the sink? Belt out Captain and Tennille every morning on your commute to your high-tech VP job?  Foot fetish?  Those things are neither wrong nor detrimental to anyone (especially you), yet we hide them because of the “shoulds” that we assume others place on us, even when we have no evidence that those opinions exist.   We project the image we want to portray onto the expectations of others.  So not only are we “shoulding” on ourselves, but we are making an unfounded assumption that friends, family and society are “shoulding” on us as well… without them even knowing it.  If only we could shed the “should” and live authentically – make decisions that are feel “right” to our core that represent what we truly are and truly feel, rather than based upon obligations we feel from others, limitations we place upon ourselves or, even worse, limitations that we  invent others place upon us.

Authenticity is my biggest keyword and removing the “should” is a major step in that direction.  I would love for all of us to take a stick and scrape the piles of “should” from the bottoms of our “should”-kickers that we pick up as we walk our path each day.  This is merely food for thought, not a mandate.  I lay this before you as an option for how we conduct our lives, not as an expectation… because who am I to “should” on you?

Stay tuned for part two of my diatribes on expectations about the feeling of things we HAVE to do… entitled  “Must-urbation”.   (insert rim-shot here)  …just for “shoulds and giggles” of course.  (yow, I’m on fire).

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

Malvina Reynolds wrote this as satirical commentary in the 60's to call out the atrocities of the "development of suburbia and associated conformist middle-class attitudes" [Wikipedia] ...and then luckily Weeds launched it into post-millennium pop culture so now the rest of us know about it too. On the surface, Malvina's point mirrors opinions of many of us; the mass produced cookie cutter homes and and equally cookie cutter lives of its inhabitants in our society is a shame and sucks the individuality and uniqueness that makes us all so damn interesting. We satirize it all of the time. Simpsons. Edward Scissorhands. American Beauty. It is equally mainstream to live in them as it is to find flaw in them.

Now, it would be very easy at this point for me to climb up on soapbox and claim that my conclusive point is to tout the "value of diversity" or dive into a sermon on "the richness of being unique and the perspective that brings to the world", but although those platforms are worthy, those conclusions are a bit trite and too easy.... plus that is not at all where I was going with this. 

"Now that you bring it up, where ARE you going with this, Jay?" (That was me doing you). Well, I in fact am going to refute Malvina's point a bit as I have learned that there is much value in the little boxes.  I think it is necessary to build little boxes around us that are often just the same in order to move toward the uniqueness and exploration of the callings within us that make us who we are. Whether by the iron fist of a parent, hard rules of an educational institution or job, or simply bysocietal norms, we need these imposed boundaries to give us the opportunity to check ourselves, test our own theories and discover opportunities to find our own paths. We can't elevate ourselves to the next level of growth, maturity and, dare I say "enlightenment" without a little body check against the boxes structured around us. 

Let's get a little less abstract and put this theory to test.  At the risk of offending some, let's go with "religion".  If this does happen to offend you, remember that I welcome your responses - even if they are equally offensive.

I believe there graduated stages of a person's journey of religious growth.  The most elementary phase is in our earliest childhood.  Most likely, if we have a religious foundation from childhood, it was created by the leadership of our parents who volun-told us to go to religious services (e.g. church, synagogue, temple, ashram, etc.) and explained to us what it is that "we" believe. E.g. "In our family, we believe that Jesus is the son of God."  Or, "In our family we believe that Jesus was NOT the messiah".  Or, "In our family we believe that if you touch your genitals for any reason other than cleaning them or peeing, then you will go blind". This is not a criticism of our parents, rather it is a necessity to give kids a foundation from which to grow. Each of these are boxes designed to give us a foundation, provide structure, and to some degree, contain us. They give us limitations and context from which we will build, in this case, our spiritual lives.  Only when we stay in these boxes indefinitely with neither questioning nor redefining beliefs of our own do these boxes become detrimental.  We then become trapped in defining our religion based upon what we have always been told... and therefore it isn't really a belief at all.  It is a mandate.

The value of the boxes is not the confinement of them, but rather the opportunity to bounce off of the walls, test their strength and then bounce harder against them until they eventually break.  That is when the true beauty of the boxes come into play.  Only when the box is broken do you have the fortunate opportunity to build a new one from the broken pieces.  You get to take what you knew as truth before with the discoveries of how the box broke and then you get to rebuild the box.  A bigger box.  A better box.  A more perfect box for you.  Maybe box of a different shape altogether. But those changes in the box are welcomed because they fit you better than ever before.  In this example, you can stretch your definition of religion, maybe even change it to a different religion that offers a community that more closely aligns with your new discoveries. This new box might feel a bit foreign and may even carry some pangs of guilt (especially if the old box was a Catholic box or a Jew box), but ultimately it feels good.  It feels right. It has room for you to stretch where you need it but it offers safety and definition that brings comfort and unity with like-minded peers, [whisper] even if those peers aren't your immediate family anymore.  The thing is, it is YOUR box to create as you see fit.  You really can't lose if you are open and true to what is inside of you. 

These boxes that we criticize in 60's folk music may seem like a shame if you consider those boxes to be the fullest extent of the development. However, if you consider these boxes we place ourselves in - and I'm not just talking religion, but career boxes, societal boxes, relationship boxes, behavioral boxes, social responsibility boxes - if you consider all of these boxes as a starting point and a foundation, and you realize these boxes are a path to growth and discovery of our authentic selves (authenticity is my new buzz word - be ready to hear it often), the boxes are no longer a shame, rather they are a blessing.  They provide a mechanism for bouncing and breaking and therefore rebuilding, which will lead to what is our own individual truths which is a fundamental key to living authentically.

And with that, all of the little boxes DON'T all look just the same anymore.