Failure is Not an Option... It is a Requirement

**This isn't new ground, but it has been at the tip of my keyboard for some time now. 

For most people, the time of failure is the most important time of testing in their lives. Margaret Thatcher once said that “Failure is not an option,” by which she meant to imply the inevitability of success, but the truth of the statement transcends even her own meaning: we do not willingly choose failure, but our moments of testing and maturity will be determined by how we choose to deal with the failures that are inevitable. We might say that where there is failure, there is life; and it is failure in life, as in science, that will help us to redefine what success is, and what success can be. 

- The Good Life (Peter Gomes)

Although certainly not the first to say it, Ed Harris brought this phrase into pop culture when he was demanding the best of mission control to bring home Tom, Kevin and Bill.  

"We have never lost an American in space and we sure as hell aren't going to lose one on my watch.  Failure is not an option" - Ed Harris (Apollo 13)

Hot diggity damn! Let's do it for Ed.- This is Ed's demand of success.  He calls to inspire and to impart the definition of option as: the power of choosing? How much more powerful does this phrase become? It isn't that failure is not an option because of Ed's insistence on success; that is, failure isn't one of the choices on the table so don't even consider it. Rather, failure isn't an option because failure is not something that we have the power to choose or, more so the power to NOT choose.  Truth be, failure is inevitable. It must happen.  It will happen.  And it is most powerful when embraced.

Not only is it inevitable, but it is truly a necessity and it is a requirement for growth. Be thankful for it as it is from failure that we create new pathways and expand our true options.  Failure builds the texture in our lives that make it rich. It is only through failure that we can truly define what success. 

Unfortunately, we have developed a stigma around success and failure that prohibits us from accepting this paradigm. In general, I don't believe it is a lack of acceptance of failure by others, as I have found that most people are accepting and compassionate to others when they fail to achieve their goals and overall they honor the effort and intent. However, the rub lies within ourselves with our own failures. We don't let ourselves off the hook that easily. When you fall short, miss the goal, overshoot the deadline, or have to decide to stop because success seems unlikely, do you genuinely (be honest now) swell with pride because you gave it your all?  Don't get me wrong, commitment and effort are qualities that we do commend, even within ourselves, however they don't bring glory. Those qualities usually serve to justify that we aren't complete failures - delineating the difference between not achieving a goal and a definition of our own character.

We aren't born with this fear of failure, we develop it over the years. It is a learned condition. Generally, young teenagers (especially boys) hardly know failure and therefore aren't afraid of it. They often have a sense of invincibility, which is why they do some ridiculously stupid shit sometimes, but they step up to do that really stupid shit because they aren't afraid of failing. But as we age and as we have more experiences with failure and the self-inflicted shame associated with failure, those failures define parameters within which we operate.  They become limits that stake out our realm of possibilities, or at the very least, teach us to operate with care when broaching them.

As with most struggles, overcoming the fear of failure comes down to perspective. Let's take this ideal of winning every time as the measure of success and let's put a spin on it.  Rather than equating failure = bad and winning = good, rather than falling into the trap of defining ourselves and worth by our most recent success, rather than each goal being the top of it's own podium, let's look at these challenges as defining stepping stones that shape a single story; a succession of experiences and lessons that let us grow and transform into a stronger versions of ourselves. The wins and the losses are equally rich in this single story and create lessons to draw upon for all of the other experiences to come. These swings in the pendulum of life's challenges broaden us and make it all so much richer.  Plus, it gives you great material for dinner parties.

When asked about all of his unsuccessful attempts at making a light bulb work, Thomas Edison replied, "I have not failed a thousand times.  I have successfully discovered one thousand ways to NOT make a  light bulb." 

So, go on... fail.  Put yourself out there and fail big. Accept that it will happen and embrace it.  You'll be a better person for it.

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

Malvina Reynolds wrote this as satirical commentary in the 60's to call out the atrocities of the "development of suburbia and associated conformist middle-class attitudes" [Wikipedia] ...and then luckily Weeds launched it into post-millennium pop culture so now the rest of us know about it too. On the surface, Malvina's point mirrors opinions of many of us; the mass produced cookie cutter homes and and equally cookie cutter lives of its inhabitants in our society is a shame and sucks the individuality and uniqueness that makes us all so damn interesting. We satirize it all of the time. Simpsons. Edward Scissorhands. American Beauty. It is equally mainstream to live in them as it is to find flaw in them.

Now, it would be very easy at this point for me to climb up on soapbox and claim that my conclusive point is to tout the "value of diversity" or dive into a sermon on "the richness of being unique and the perspective that brings to the world", but although those platforms are worthy, those conclusions are a bit trite and too easy.... plus that is not at all where I was going with this. 

"Now that you bring it up, where ARE you going with this, Jay?" (That was me doing you). Well, I in fact am going to refute Malvina's point a bit as I have learned that there is much value in the little boxes.  I think it is necessary to build little boxes around us that are often just the same in order to move toward the uniqueness and exploration of the callings within us that make us who we are. Whether by the iron fist of a parent, hard rules of an educational institution or job, or simply bysocietal norms, we need these imposed boundaries to give us the opportunity to check ourselves, test our own theories and discover opportunities to find our own paths. We can't elevate ourselves to the next level of growth, maturity and, dare I say "enlightenment" without a little body check against the boxes structured around us. 

Let's get a little less abstract and put this theory to test.  At the risk of offending some, let's go with "religion".  If this does happen to offend you, remember that I welcome your responses - even if they are equally offensive.

I believe there graduated stages of a person's journey of religious growth.  The most elementary phase is in our earliest childhood.  Most likely, if we have a religious foundation from childhood, it was created by the leadership of our parents who volun-told us to go to religious services (e.g. church, synagogue, temple, ashram, etc.) and explained to us what it is that "we" believe. E.g. "In our family, we believe that Jesus is the son of God."  Or, "In our family we believe that Jesus was NOT the messiah".  Or, "In our family we believe that if you touch your genitals for any reason other than cleaning them or peeing, then you will go blind". This is not a criticism of our parents, rather it is a necessity to give kids a foundation from which to grow. Each of these are boxes designed to give us a foundation, provide structure, and to some degree, contain us. They give us limitations and context from which we will build, in this case, our spiritual lives.  Only when we stay in these boxes indefinitely with neither questioning nor redefining beliefs of our own do these boxes become detrimental.  We then become trapped in defining our religion based upon what we have always been told... and therefore it isn't really a belief at all.  It is a mandate.

The value of the boxes is not the confinement of them, but rather the opportunity to bounce off of the walls, test their strength and then bounce harder against them until they eventually break.  That is when the true beauty of the boxes come into play.  Only when the box is broken do you have the fortunate opportunity to build a new one from the broken pieces.  You get to take what you knew as truth before with the discoveries of how the box broke and then you get to rebuild the box.  A bigger box.  A better box.  A more perfect box for you.  Maybe box of a different shape altogether. But those changes in the box are welcomed because they fit you better than ever before.  In this example, you can stretch your definition of religion, maybe even change it to a different religion that offers a community that more closely aligns with your new discoveries. This new box might feel a bit foreign and may even carry some pangs of guilt (especially if the old box was a Catholic box or a Jew box), but ultimately it feels good.  It feels right. It has room for you to stretch where you need it but it offers safety and definition that brings comfort and unity with like-minded peers, [whisper] even if those peers aren't your immediate family anymore.  The thing is, it is YOUR box to create as you see fit.  You really can't lose if you are open and true to what is inside of you. 

These boxes that we criticize in 60's folk music may seem like a shame if you consider those boxes to be the fullest extent of the development. However, if you consider these boxes we place ourselves in - and I'm not just talking religion, but career boxes, societal boxes, relationship boxes, behavioral boxes, social responsibility boxes - if you consider all of these boxes as a starting point and a foundation, and you realize these boxes are a path to growth and discovery of our authentic selves (authenticity is my new buzz word - be ready to hear it often), the boxes are no longer a shame, rather they are a blessing.  They provide a mechanism for bouncing and breaking and therefore rebuilding, which will lead to what is our own individual truths which is a fundamental key to living authentically.

And with that, all of the little boxes DON'T all look just the same anymore.